Happiness is my rebellion

I did not have a happy childhood.

I was never allowed to just exist. I was never enough.

{even worse, the goal post constantly moved. I was too loud one moment and too quiet the next. There was no way to know what I was expected to be at any moment & I often guessed wrong 😩}

But the hardest thing was the constant destruction of any joy I had.

I once built a garden in a circle of rocks by the driveway. I arranged the ivy so it would cascade over this big rock. I imagined playing Barbie's with my friends with the ivy as a 'waterfall'. I was so excited. I spent most of an afternoon arranging the little plants.

When I went out to check on the garden later, I found it destroyed. The rocks had all been torn apart and my plants were almost trampled. I started crying. When I asked what happened, my stepfather said he decided the big rock was a hazard to cars so he moved it.

{it had been that way for years, draw your own conclusions}

I was devastated. My grandparents came over & tried to help me fix it but it wasn't really salvageable.

I became hardened. Nothing fazed me but I also felt no joy. I pushed myself through many challenges with sheer determination.

I could've become anything. I am smart and capable. I would've excelled in any career I chose.

But I chose differently.

I chose to be happy.

If you see me twirling around in a light up skirt and laughing, know that I am successful beyond measure.

If I share one of my little joys with you, know that I am trusting you with my heart at the same time.

If I laugh & play with you, I consider you safe.

Happiness is my rebellion. Happiness is a giant middle finger to the people who tried to destroy me.

Happiness is me, unmasked.

If you see me with a dead expression or a customer service smile, then something is very wrong. My mask is on and warning bells are going off in my head. Danger. Danger. Although these days I only put that mask on long enough to leave. Fuck staying anywhere that isn't safe to be happy.

I hope you find your way to happiness, no matter how long it takes.